Stories are getting twisted and it’s terrifying.
Do you ever wonder how you would be perceived if you were attacked, hurt or killed by some form of law enforcement? Do you wonder if your family would fight for you, if people would mourn you? Do you wonder if your death would make the news?
I look at my life and I wonder. I wonder what story would be told. After all, there are so many layers and levels to every story.
There’s a level of apathy in my life and that’s because of me. I’ve played by all the rules that have been put forward. I’ve never taken money from the government, I went to a good school, then university, then started working. I worry about how I look and how I dress. I’m renting but I am looking at buying a house in the next few years. I’ll probably have kids one day, I’m hoping for two. I feel like I got this life handed to me a little. I followed the rules and I’m comfortable. I don’t feel extraordinary for doing this, no matter how many people tell me that it is impressive that I’ve gotten here.
But then there is another layer below it. This layer has the feeling that I have to defend every room that I stand in or that is my job to educate the people around me. There was a realization that in my job, I’m probably the first Aboriginal they’ve had at the workplace. I also know that being a woman of colour means that there will be people who look through me, or glare at me, or give me a tight smile. If you’re not sure what look I’m talking about, you’re lucky and I hope you never find out.
After all this is a basement level that tells me I’m not supposed to be here, that if certain people got their way, I wouldn’t have existed. It is the layer that reminds me there are people out there who can spin my life into something negative. I’m taking up space and money away from others more deserving. This is the level where I realize I can’t make a mistake. I can’t risk making an error because it might cost me more than just money. This is also where my anger lies, I don’t go to this level often.
I have been experiencing a different world during this pandemic because I can’t escape it anymore, there’s not much else I can do except scroll social media. The dialogues occurring on twitter, facebook, and instagram are incredible. It makes me realize that even after playing by all these rules, there is still some way to twist my story.
Maybe they would look at my friends. The ones who do questionable things on the weekend, who party far more than I ever could. Maybe they will assume that I was with them, that I dabbled in areas that aren’t legal and therefore, I was a threat. Were there drugs in my system?
Maybe they would look at my family. This ordinary, nuclear family had to go to court over a fence with their neighbors because an agreement couldn’t be reached. Maybe my whole family is disagreeable, has an attitude and just deserved this.
Maybe they’ll look at my psychology appointments. Every two weeks, I go and speak to someone. Will they assume that I’m crazy, that I didn’t have control over my mind? Maybe she was hysterical and therefore she deserved to be restrained, hurt, attacked? Was she a menace to society?
Or will it be the mere existence of my anger? I’ve said that the system is wrong on my social media, I’ve shown support for Black Lives Matters, I’ve stated that we should be in the constitution, that racism is still rife in this world and had conversations upon conversations with people about why all of it is so important. Will I be deemed a radical?
Perhaps this sounds insane but this is how stories get twisted and I wonder if people truly see it.
I look at the stories around all these deaths that get reported in the media. Police getting away with actions that no one else could. The people they hurt are just that. They are people. They have families, lives, degrees, accomplishments, and goals. There are people that mourn them, that fight for them but it is never enough. I guess that’s why the stories coming out now affect me so much. I think that’s why it affects everyone so much. There’s this lesson, one that comes from schools and parents, that if you tell the truth, do the right thing, follow the path that is given to you, you’ll be okay. Nothing bad will happen. But maybe becoming an adult is realizing that this isn’t true. Sometimes even being asleep isn’t enough to protect you.
So here I am. Living in this fear, choosing my actions carefully because I don’t want to be a story that might be twisted.
